My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
