My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
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