oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
