He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I deserve this hangover.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
