the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Randomize
