"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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