Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
