so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
i think i have two assholes
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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