can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
