The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Randomize
