I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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