Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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