the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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