turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
you traded sex for a burrito?
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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