I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
