I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
