I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
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