Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
