i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
