I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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