The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I met the friendliest cop last night
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
