I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
birth control should be required to get into college
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
