Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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