put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
I'm eating all of the evidence.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
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