never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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