so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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