He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
