Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Randomize
