you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
