no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Randomize
