He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
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