I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
