my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
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