I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
