Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
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