HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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