Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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