its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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