During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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