what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize