Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
