the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
