my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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