Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
