ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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