Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
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