halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
