fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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