last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
