please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Randomize
