his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
