I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
