I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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