My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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