if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
The best revenge is premature balding
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Randomize
